I reckon I oughter be a 'sponsible jernlest like all em big bloggers an' news folks so I innervewed my Uncle Ned. Reason I did 'at is Uncle Ned knows purty much near bout everthang they is to know, leastways he figures he does an' I ain't gonna tell him he's wrong. Uncle Ned made it all way thru 4th grade an' he's near bout thuh smartest feller ever I did see, so I reckon he's purty smart. So me'n Uncle Ned set down with a big jug of white mule an' had ourselfs a talk.
Me: What y'all thank bout 'at eye-rak thang, Uncle Ned?
Uncle Ned: I jes doan know whut to make uv hit. I reckon I'd open myself up uh big can o whoop ass on em sumbitches it wuz me.
Me: Lak 'at can you opened up on me oncet?
Uncle Ned: Hell naw boy, I mean a BIG ASS CAN! I'd jump em sumbitches an' beat em with thuh big side of uh fuckin corn scoop! I'd chop they heads off with thuh sharp side! I'd gather em bastids up in a big batch an' put Ant Jenny's big ole drawers over they heads then drop a atom bomb on they asses! If that there dee-plomacy didn't work I'd get rough withum.
Me: Yew shore blood thirsty Uncle Ned! (Note: Uncle Ned pulled hard time fer killin 4 or 5 people, but I doan aim to brang it up cause it pisses him off an' he gets dangerous when he pissed off.)
Uncle Ned: Yeah, well I reckon I kin be blood thirsty. I'd get myself all thuh boys together an' we'd get on our tractors an' attack eye-rak. We'd..
Me: Wait a minute, Uncle Ned, eye-rak is cross the big waters so y'all couldn't drive no tractors...
Uncle Ned: Yer damn fool, we'd put thuh tractors on sum big inner tubes so's they'd float an' them ridgy back tires would dig in thuh water an' we'd buzz right in on em bastids fore they knowed whut wuz happenin an' kick they asses good!
Me: Whut if'n they kicked y'alls ass?
Uncle Ned: They dreamed they kick my ass they better wake up an' pologize! I heared 'at in a movin pitcher I seen oncet sometime back.
Me: Whut bout John Kerry?
Uncle Ned: (Getting so 'cited he knocked over thuh jug of mule) Shut yo mouff! I thank bout 'at ugly sumbitch I gets myself all bent outta shape an' ready to kick first ass I see! I don't keer if'n he wuz on 'at monsters TV show, he still a asshole in my book. "At sumbitch couldn't be dog cather roundchere!
Well, 'at's bout all I could get outta Uncle Ned cause he decided he'd go plow the bottom fawty. But with this here innervew on, doan reckon they no need fer anybody to read 'at New Yawk Times.