Thursday, September 23, 2004

Give'im some kitty litter

Somma these here whiners is worked up cause ole Cat got his ass runned off. They oughter stuffed sum kitty litter up his dumb ass fore they set'im free! Piss on him an' the camel he rode in on.

Innervew with Uncle Ned

I reckon I oughter be a 'sponsible jernlest like all em big bloggers an' news folks so I innervewed my Uncle Ned. Reason I did 'at is Uncle Ned knows purty much near bout everthang they is to know, leastways he figures he does an' I ain't gonna tell him he's wrong. Uncle Ned made it all way thru 4th grade an' he's near bout thuh smartest feller ever I did see, so I reckon he's purty smart. So me'n Uncle Ned set down with a big jug of white mule an' had ourselfs a talk.

Me: What y'all thank bout 'at eye-rak thang, Uncle Ned?

Uncle Ned: I jes doan know whut to make uv hit. I reckon I'd open myself up uh big can o whoop ass on em sumbitches it wuz me.

Me: Lak 'at can you opened up on me oncet?

Uncle Ned: Hell naw boy, I mean a BIG ASS CAN! I'd jump em sumbitches an' beat em with thuh big side of uh fuckin corn scoop! I'd chop they heads off with thuh sharp side! I'd gather em bastids up in a big batch an' put Ant Jenny's big ole drawers over they heads then drop a atom bomb on they asses! If that there dee-plomacy didn't work I'd get rough withum.

Me: Yew shore blood thirsty Uncle Ned! (Note: Uncle Ned pulled hard time fer killin 4 or 5 people, but I doan aim to brang it up cause it pisses him off an' he gets dangerous when he pissed off.)

Uncle Ned: Yeah, well I reckon I kin be blood thirsty. I'd get myself all thuh boys together an' we'd get on our tractors an' attack eye-rak. We'd..

Me: Wait a minute, Uncle Ned, eye-rak is cross the big waters so y'all couldn't drive no tractors...

Uncle Ned: Yer damn fool, we'd put thuh tractors on sum big inner tubes so's they'd float an' them ridgy back tires would dig in thuh water an' we'd buzz right in on em bastids fore they knowed whut wuz happenin an' kick they asses good!

Me: Whut if'n they kicked y'alls ass?

Uncle Ned: They dreamed they kick my ass they better wake up an' pologize! I heared 'at in a movin pitcher I seen oncet sometime back.

Me: Whut bout John Kerry?

Uncle Ned: (Getting so 'cited he knocked over thuh jug of mule) Shut yo mouff! I thank bout 'at ugly sumbitch I gets myself all bent outta shape an' ready to kick first ass I see! I don't keer if'n he wuz on 'at monsters TV show, he still a asshole in my book. "At sumbitch couldn't be dog cather roundchere!

Well, 'at's bout all I could get outta Uncle Ned cause he decided he'd go plow the bottom fawty. But with this here innervew on, doan reckon they no need fer anybody to read 'at New Yawk Times.


If y'all wanna feel good bout the size of yer dick, check 'is out. Damn, em ole boys shoulda stayed at thuh house! They must be more fruits 'n' nuts in 'at bunch than in uh box of granola!

Bubba's war plan

Hey, I know how we kin whup 'em sumbitches in eye-rak. We kin drop this l'il ole fruitcake guy on 'em! Ones he doan scare off with 'at alligator mouth he kin bite they peters til they run! Plus he kin gets himself one 'em tablecloths to cover up 'at chipmonk he wearin on his haid an' beautify the environment somewhat. Course, he might oughter not mention pigs over'ere er sumbody kick his knighted ass fer 'im!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Them pore Frenchies

Damn, fightin men kaint even take a bit of goods without gettin in trouble! I shore know how they feel. Oncet them Johnny Laws caught me filin' serial numbers off'n some chain saws I'd done found an' tried to call me a thief! 'At's what I like bout hogs an' chickens, they ain't got no serial numbers on 'em and if you find some of 'em it ain't gonna cause much a problem less'n somebody done branded 'em.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

By God we kin dismantle it!

By got we kin dismantle they nuke program! How? With a bigger nuke is how! We kick 'em ole boys asses til breakfuss. Or by God maybe we oughter drop this ho on them. That ole shopwork skanky pussy should be stanky 'nough to scare 'em all off.

Duh faks

I reckon this Army feller might know more bout whuts happenin in 'Raq than them big talkin heads on the news. But a body'd never know it from the way they jabber.

Friday, September 17, 2004

That's a bookmark?

Hell fire, this here woman oughter get a good bookmark. I use a 9-foot two by four myself, one been soakin in 40 weight Quaker State since 1947. Damn good bookmark an' it shore comes in handy if'n some fool disturbs my readin.


Hot damn, Uncle Bud's got a chance now! This shore will help 'im out since he's near bout ugly as second hand warmed over homemade shit!

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Damn a good muslim!

I didn't thank none of 'em sumbitches existed but here's one. Don't reckon they'll ever convert that Yessir Chickenfat feller, you know the one with the tablecloth wrapped round his head that shakes like that ole Hepburn gal used to. Yessir must be kin to that Moore feller what made that crockumentary cause they both grubby lookin sumbitches!

She sho a ugly ho!

I reckon them liberal folk don't put much stock in clothes. Damn I hope that Mamma Kerry don't decide to go without her'n cause she sho is a ugly bitch! I can't feature anybody screwin her with a borrowed dick long as they was a nice lookin sheep handy. The Admiral, a good buddy of mine, said he'd run over better lookin for a place to beat his meat.

Fuckem lawyers!

I see 'at damn lawyer feller what's makin a killin abloggin done found nother reason to jack up Georgie W's shit. That guy oughter stick to teachin 'em coneheads over in Cocksville an' lay off Mr. George. Some them sumbitches would attack they grandpappy with a corn scoop to get a l'il publicity I reckon an' play Mr. Bigshot or maybe Bigshit. Fuckem an' the chicken they rode in on!

If you drop the soap in the shire you may be a gomersexual

Damn, doncha feel sorry fer this pore l'il feller An' he's a registered nurse too, what round here make a feller walk funny. Betcha when 'at ole boy gets to the pen he be droppin that soap ever day!

My new jammers!

I took a pair of Dee Cees down to Aunt Minnie and got her to sew some feet on 'em so now I gots me some real jammers. I shore am shittin in high cotton an' next thang you know I'll be awipin my ass on the stalks!

You know, more I thank bout it more I figure lumber musta fell on Dan's head. I say that cause ole man Twerdy Monroe what lives down the lane from me got his head caught tween two big cypress logs when his boom chain parted on him an' he had that same kinda look in his eyes, like somebody done flipped off the light switch in his gourd. But I reckon a body's got the right to be bigga dumb ass as he wanna be, even Dan Rather. He had 'at ole lady on his show last night an' damn if she don't remind me of ole Miss Puterbaugh what lives over in Browntown and sells pussy for what she call a "kawata." Course now I ain't never bought none it but that's what I hear tell.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Electronic Bubba

Hot damn, I may not be able to do a lot of this bloggin. I hear tell a feller can't do it less'n he's wearin' jammers and I ain't got none uh them damn thangs!

Wonder if a pair of these ol' Dee Cee bibs would do? I know Dan Rather used to wear 'em down on the ranch in Texas so he could scratch his nuts easy through the side vent. I seen him tonight and he looked so uncomfortable he might had a porcupine in his britches. Last time I seen anybody look that damn silly was when Cousin Twillis fell out of the hayloft and snagged his nutsack on a 20-penny nail. Well, that damn sheep looked sort of silly too.

I got this here kerosene wick lit on my 'puter finally and I'm lookin' to kick some 'lectronic ass! I ain't as smart as Dan Rather 'cause I don't know how to forge anything -- I did try to sign Uncle Ned's name on his Social Security check once but that didn't work out too well and I wound up pulling 11-29 in the county pee farm.

Anyhow, y'all better look out 'cause the Electronic Bubba is loose and ready to kick some big ass! Once I figure out what all these little buttons is I'm gonna be dangerous.