Thursday, May 05, 2005

bout fartin

my cusin, nedwardo, rote this here thang an he want me to put in ye go nedwardo!

American Cheese

America has always led the world in the art of farting, since the early Colonial days when Hamhock Bartholomew Jones blew his historic seeper in Rooster, Rhode Island. That legendary emission of fart-wind set the standard for all attempts to come and may have proven instrumental in the US sweep of the event in the 1926 Olympics, when the gold, silver and bronze were all taken by American farters.

Indeed, Jones' 1762 windblast created quite a swirl in its time, considering the limited media available. Word of the feat reached into the Western Territories, where, it is told, one tribe of Osage Indians tried for two years to duplicate the feat by eating tons of putrid buffalo tallow. Unfortunately, none managed to reach the volume of wind generated by Jones and several died of food poisoning in the failed attempt, including their chief, Growling Bowels.

The descendants of Maude Dingleman, who lived in a cabin a quarter mile from Jones' putrid bungalow at Ground Zero passed down the only surviving written description of Jones' fateful fart. Several people were closer that day on June 24, 1762, however all survivors suffered severe brain damage from the noxious fumes. Mrs. Dingleman was also victim of the odorous wind, yet did somehow manage to maintain enough of her faculties to pen a remembrance of what she calls "that sorriest day in June." Presented here is a section from her memoirs:

I was cleanin twist the cracks and cinch in my cabin at neigh on to noon when the world was beset by a racket like the growl of a pride of hungry lions, shakin the lantern off'n the stand and overturnin the pot of possum hangin on the cook fire. Thankin that the good Lord had laid the plague of earthquake upon the face of the earth, I did run outside my humble abode where I wuz greeted by a blast of hot and foul wind that smell though it came from the very arse cheeks of Satan hisself! I was knocked to the ground by the foul zephyr where I laid in stunned wonder at the end of the world closin in in stench of foul death!

According to historical data, the widow Dingleman was never the same after her experience. She died three years later and it is said that she perished from exhaustion caused by fanning constantly in an effort to drive away the demon fumes from her body.

Jones, of course, was cremated during the catastrophic event, as were two loggers working about a hundred yards from his cabin. The conclusion was that the gas from Jones' breech was ignited by a cook fire inside the cabin, causing what was up to that time the largest explosion ever witnessed on earth.

Balph Paul Duggan - The Modern Master of the Fart

Jones' record came closest to threat in the summer of 1953 in a roadside diner in Waycross, Georgia. It was there that trucker Balph Paul Duggan cut a cheese blast that killed two people and seriously injured a half dozen others, including Duggan himself.

According to news accounts of the time, Duggan pulled in for lunch while enroute to Atlanta and ordered the lunch special--which, on that August 19 day, was listed as white beans & cornbread by the bowl. Duggan reportedly ordered the king size helping with a side order of boiled eggs and hot peppers.

One survivor, who was sitting two stools down from Duggan, claims that Duggan cut two preliminary "seepers" before letting loose with the grand finale.

"I heared his ass tweak twice and I smelt a little bit of a fart," angler Loomis Looney told the Waycross Herald shortly after the event. "He was lookin' round like a guilty person what has farted and don't want nobody to know it was him!"

Duggan, in fact, tried to deny that he had cut the disastrous cheese after the fact--despite the third-degree burns on his brown-eye. He had tried to pack it on Looney, however it was noted that Looney escaped with second degree burns, blurred vision and a mental disorder.

One thing is certain: Ma's Cafe in Waycross was virtually devastated by the blast, which some estimated at up to a minute in duration. Ma herself was seriously injured when she stuck her head into the deep fryer in an attempt to escape the foul odor. All of the glass was blown out of the building, which resulted in two fatalities when a passing car was blown into the oncoming lane, with a head-on collision resulting.

Duggan spent seven months in intensive care following the event. His mind was totally gone however, and upon his release family members placed him in Southern Georgia State Hospital, where he died in 1959--ironically, while eating a bowl of white beans!


At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

nothing like a good fart story!

At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

its like a big ole good shit two! ain't nothin bettern a good old big shit! gonna taken me a big ole shit!


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