Electronic Bubba

funy pitchers

2006-02-09T12:10:00.000-06:00

them crasy A-rabs is all tore up bout sum pitchers drawed of they leder, whut wuz a babyforker whut i here tell. hell withem if they kaint tek a joke!

chiken flue thang

2006-01-09T12:34:00.000-06:00

hit shore haz put a damper on Uncle Ned's sex life.

that al kider feller is at it 'gin

2005-07-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

at kamel joky sumbitch dun blowed up lunden englund! wish i cud git my hans on that bastid i'd give him a gud ol fashun asswhompin!

dixie ass wipin lesson

2005-05-24T11:48:00.000-05:00

dam this day shore has started off on uh low note. hadta take a big dump an onliest thang handy to wipe on wuz this here karan thang uncle ned found in a ol toilet sumbody throwed way. boy it doan even soak up nuttin! i reckin sears rareback is bettern that keran thang.

huh?

2005-05-20T13:54:00.000-05:00

whut'n hell's a "muslim progressive?" one whut aint blowed hisself up yet?

hot dam!!

2005-05-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

nuther instylunch! how luky kin one fool be?

bout fartin

2005-05-05T11:16:00.000-05:00

my cusin, nedwardo, rote this here thang an he want me to put in on...here ye go nedwardo!

American Cheese

America has always led the world in the art of farting, since the early Colonial days when Hamhock Bartholomew Jones blew his historic seeper in Rooster, Rhode Island. That legendary emission of fart-wind set the standard for all attempts to come and may have proven instrumental in the US sweep of the event in the 1926 Olympics, when the gold, silver and bronze were all taken by American farters.

Indeed, Jones' 1762 windblast created quite a swirl in its time, considering the limited media available. Word of the feat reached into the Western Territories, where, it is told, one tribe of Osage Indians tried for two years to duplicate the feat by eating tons of putrid buffalo tallow. Unfortunately, none managed to reach the volume of wind generated by Jones and several died of food poisoning in the failed attempt, including their chief, Growling Bowels.

The descendants of Maude Dingleman, who lived in a cabin a quarter mile from Jones' putrid bungalow at Ground Zero passed down the only surviving written description of Jones' fateful fart. Several people were closer that day on June 24, 1762, however all survivors suffered severe brain damage from the noxious fumes. Mrs. Dingleman was also victim of the odorous wind, yet did somehow manage to maintain enough of her faculties to pen a remembrance of what she calls "that sorriest day in June." Presented here is a section from her memoirs:

I was cleanin twist the cracks and cinch in my cabin at neigh on to noon when the world was beset by a racket like the growl of a pride of hungry lions, shakin the lantern off'n the stand and overturnin the pot of possum hangin on the cook fire. Thankin that the good Lord had laid the plague of earthquake upon the face of the earth, I did run outside my humble abode where I wuz greeted by a blast of hot and foul wind that smell though it came from the very arse cheeks of Satan hisself! I was knocked to the ground by the foul zephyr where I laid in stunned wonder at the end of the world closin in in stench of foul death!

According to historical data, the widow Dingleman was never the same after her experience. She died three years later and it is said that she perished from exhaustion caused by fanning constantly in an effort to drive away the demon fumes from her body.

Jones, of course, was cremated during the catastrophic event, as were two loggers working about a hundred yards from his cabin. The conclusion was that the gas from Jones' breech was ignited by a cook fire inside the cabin, causing what was up to that time the largest explosion ever witnessed on earth.

Balph Paul Duggan - The Modern Master of the Fart

Jones' record came closest to threat in the summer of 1953 in a roadside diner in Waycross, Georgia. It was there that trucker Balph Paul Duggan cut a cheese blast that killed two people and seriously injured a half dozen others, including Duggan himself.

According to news accounts of the time, Duggan pulled in for lunch while enroute to Atlanta and ordered the lunch special--which, on that August 19 day, was listed as white beans & cornbread by the bowl. Duggan reportedly ordered the king size helping with a side order of boiled eggs and hot peppers.

One survivor, who was sitting two stools down from Duggan, claims that Duggan cut two preliminary "seepers" before letting loose with the grand finale.

"I heared his ass tweak twice and I smelt a little bit of a fart," angler Loomis Looney told the Waycross Herald shortly after the event. "He was lookin' round like a guilty person what has farted and don't want nobody to know it was him!"

Duggan, in fact, tried to deny that he had cut the disastrous cheese after the fact--despite the third-degree burns on his brown-eye. He had tried to pack it on Looney, however it was noted that Looney escaped with second degree burns, blurred vision and a mental disorder.

One thing is certain: Ma's Cafe in Waycross was virtually devastated by the blast, which some estimated at up to a minute in duration. Ma herself was seriously injured when she stuck her head into the deep fryer in an attempt to escape the foul odor. All of the glass was blown out of the building, which resulted in two fatalities when a passing car was blown into the oncoming lane, with a head-on collision resulting.

Duggan spent seven months in intensive care following the event. His mind was totally gone however, and upon his release family members placed him in Southern Georgia State Hospital, where he died in 1959--ironically, while eating a bowl of white beans!

cirkle jerk over!

2005-04-19T18:34:00.000-05:00

i reckon a feller name "bent dick 16" (ol boy must have a whoper!) is the new pope. what i here tell after hes last to get his gun off them fellers smokt sum pot an blowd the smok up a fukin chimley! dam they shore is strang folks.

MY HEROW!

2005-04-15T09:39:00.000-05:00

whut a wunerful feller!

sumpin sumbodie sent

2005-04-14T11:35:00.000-05:00

i gots this frum sumbodie, i thot it wuz funny.

Ted Kennedy Fights Removal of Feeding Tube

WASHINGTON, DC --- Ted Kennedy, who was recently declared brain-dead by his physician, is fighting for his life. The Senator's family is trying to have his feeding tube removed to allow him to die a sober death. The tube, attached to a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin, has been utilized by the senator for his entire adult life. Medical experts believe removal will almost certainly result in death.

"This is a very complex situation," said one medical expert. "Senator Kennedy appears to be functioning normally to many people, but it is quite obvious that the man is brain-dead by his public comments. Most of us in the medical community think he should be allowed to have a dignified death by sobering him up and removing his feeding tube."

Liberals were stuck in a quandary today as they want Terri Schiavo dead, but they don't want Ted Kennedy to die. "This is a moral dilemma to many people," said Commie Greenstein, a liberal living in New York. "Fortunately, most of us don't really make decisions based on any morals, so it's okay if we want one person to die while allowing a brain-dead person to live."

Alcohol manufacturers around the world are scrambling to raise money for the "Keep Kennedy Alive" fund. Removing his feeding tube is predicted to cause a 12% annual decrease in global alcohol consumption. Some manufacturers risk going out of business as soon as the feeding tube is removed.

findin a pope

2005-04-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

them kathlic fellers shore has a werd way of getin a new pope, cordin to uncle ned. he sez they gets in a big cirkle an everbodie grabs the wun on the rite an starts apumpin. last wun what gets his gun off is the new mainest man. no wunder it a big sekret huh?

Hay i'll be on tv over to uncle neds in a bit. gotta member to pull off em plow shoes this time cause he shore gits pissed when i gets cow dropins on toppa his tube!

gotta have em!

2005-04-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

kaint live nother day withoutem! an i beat the instypuntrib to postin em, jes lak i sed i would cuple weeks ago! nuther wuna my perdiktions what cum true.

hay i kin do it two!

2005-04-03T09:02:00.000-05:00

lak at instepundrip feller what links to amerzon all the time, ima goner link to mine! git yorself wonnaese thang!

i heared'at sum feller name pope diet. wunder ifn it wuz ol bob pope frum dog ball lick? he shore looked mitey bad last time i seen him.

repayin the faver

2005-03-25T17:38:00.000-06:00

reckin i mite re-turn the faver and give is lil ol lawer boy a BUBBALANCH!

while im at it mite give this balhaided gomersexul a boost two!

hot dam it a instylanch!

2005-03-23T15:16:00.000-06:00

i jes pee'd my onliest kleen pair deecee bibs!

i a dum ass

2005-03-21T12:23:00.000-06:00

but hell at lil ol reynols feller kaint even get his number rite!

The UN says Ethiopia has moved over 30,0000 troops up
to the Eritrean border, most of them near the disputed town of Badme.

welcum instrpuntid reder!

2005-03-18T23:24:00.000-06:00

shore nuff!

good helth

2005-03-15T13:23:00.000-06:00

uncle ned he on a welness kick. i reckin he heard sumthin on the tellyvisor bout good helth an now hes a eatin rite. sez the feller sed a body oughter drank a quart melted lard ever day. it wuz at chiken evert coop feller what use be the sturgon genral. sed smokin an drankin lot help two. sed the feller sed drankin an drivin was good an everbodie shuld do hit. i thank uncle ned kaint here two good cause at doan sound rite to me.

reel storie on at instypuntid feller reynols

2005-03-14T21:59:00.000-06:00

his reel namme be clem reynols an he a well knowed chicken fuker frum over bout tellico planes , boys! lestways at's what i here tell.

les shoot good boys!

2005-03-08T09:48:00.000-06:00

our boys over yonder in eyerak ain't gettin proper trainen seems to me. Hell if'n they cndn't hit 'at lil ole eyetalan commie woman with a whole mess of em shotin atere they must be bad shots! git uncle ned'n his squirel rifle over'ere an let him take keer them momahumpers. he pick they ass off one atta time.

Whuts up bout this gomer stuff??

2005-02-07T22:10:00.000-06:00

I here tell they gonna let gomersexual marry one tuther. By cracky then I shore oughter be able to marry my faverite chicken! I'll show em sumbitchs.

A Tennessee Idjit

2005-02-06T23:21:00.000-06:00

This here feller is what we call a idjit. I doubt 'at ol' boy got sense nuff to come in outta the rain. He like a baby turkey, jest drown outere.

Lawdy Mercy

2005-01-25T11:16:00.000-06:00

I'm all tore up this mawnin. Michael Moore didn't get nominated fer a Oscar. It purty near kilt Uncle Ned. He been off down in the tractor shed with a jugga mule all mawnin, drankin his sorrows away. I reckon I'd better get a sangle tree handy cause I'll have to cold cock him oncet he goes on the jag that's comin. Onliest way to control Uncle Ned when he's on the wild side is wid a sangle tree up aside his own haid.

Electronic Bubba

2004-10-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

At Kerry's a shit eatin' sumbitch! Roll back my ass you mamafugger!

Live Bloggin Bubba

2004-10-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

Flu vakcine an' wellness? Fuck 'at noise, we drank a li'l shine an' get well!

Lordy mercy!

2004-10-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

Them boys had me in the crossbar hilton fer liberating a boat motor an' a hog. Jes got out, will post more later. YeeHaw!

Give'im some kitty litter

2004-09-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

Somma these here whiners is worked up cause ole Cat got his ass runned off. They oughter stuffed sum kitty litter up his dumb ass fore they set'im free! Piss on him an' the camel he rode in on.

Innervew with Uncle Ned

2004-09-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

I reckon I oughter be a 'sponsible jernlest like all em big bloggers an' news folks so I innervewed my Uncle Ned. Reason I did 'at is Uncle Ned knows purty much near bout everthang they is to know, leastways he figures he does an' I ain't gonna tell him he's wrong. Uncle Ned made it all way thru 4th grade an' he's near bout thuh smartest feller ever I did see, so I reckon he's purty smart. So me'n Uncle Ned set down with a big jug of white mule an' had ourselfs a talk.

Me: What y'all thank bout 'at eye-rak thang, Uncle Ned?

Uncle Ned: I jes doan know whut to make uv hit. I reckon I'd open myself up uh big can o whoop ass on em sumbitches it wuz me.

Me: Lak 'at can you opened up on me oncet?

Uncle Ned: Hell naw boy, I mean a BIG ASS CAN! I'd jump em sumbitches an' beat em with thuh big side of uh fuckin corn scoop! I'd chop they heads off with thuh sharp side! I'd gather em bastids up in a big batch an' put Ant Jenny's big ole drawers over they heads then drop a atom bomb on they asses! If that there dee-plomacy didn't work I'd get rough withum.

Me: Yew shore blood thirsty Uncle Ned! (Note: Uncle Ned pulled hard time fer killin 4 or 5 people, but I doan aim to brang it up cause it pisses him off an' he gets dangerous when he pissed off.)

Uncle Ned: Yeah, well I reckon I kin be blood thirsty. I'd get myself all thuh boys together an' we'd get on our tractors an' attack eye-rak. We'd..

Me: Wait a minute, Uncle Ned, eye-rak is cross the big waters so y'all couldn't drive no tractors...

Uncle Ned: Yer damn fool, we'd put thuh tractors on sum big inner tubes so's they'd float an' them ridgy back tires would dig in thuh water an' we'd buzz right in on em bastids fore they knowed whut wuz happenin an' kick they asses good!

Me: Whut if'n they kicked y'alls ass?

Uncle Ned: They dreamed they kick my ass they better wake up an' pologize! I heared 'at in a movin pitcher I seen oncet sometime back.

Me: Whut bout John Kerry?

Uncle Ned: (Getting so 'cited he knocked over thuh jug of mule) Shut yo mouff! I thank bout 'at ugly sumbitch I gets myself all bent outta shape an' ready to kick first ass I see! I don't keer if'n he wuz on 'at monsters TV show, he still a asshole in my book. "At sumbitch couldn't be dog cather roundchere!

~~~~~

Well, 'at's bout all I could get outta Uncle Ned cause he decided he'd go plow the bottom fawty. But with this here innervew on, doan reckon they no need fer anybody to read 'at New Yawk Times.

LORDHAVEMERCY!

2004-09-23T13:22:00.000-05:00

If y'all wanna feel good bout the size of yer dick, check 'is out. Damn, em ole boys shoulda stayed at thuh house! They must be more fruits 'n' nuts in 'at bunch than in uh box of granola!

Bubba's war plan

2004-09-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, I know how we kin whup 'em sumbitches in eye-rak. We kin drop this l'il ole fruitcake guy on 'em! Ones he doan scare off with 'at alligator mouth he kin bite they peters til they run! Plus he kin gets himself one 'em tablecloths to cover up 'at chipmonk he wearin on his haid an' beautify the environment somewhat. Course, he might oughter not mention pigs over'ere er sumbody kick his knighted ass fer 'im!

Them pore Frenchies

2004-09-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

Damn, fightin men kaint even take a bit of goods without gettin in trouble! I shore know how they feel. Oncet them Johnny Laws caught me filin' serial numbers off'n some chain saws I'd done found an' tried to call me a thief! 'At's what I like bout hogs an' chickens, they ain't got no serial numbers on 'em and if you find some of 'em it ain't gonna cause much a problem less'n somebody done branded 'em.

By God we kin dismantle it!

2004-09-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

By got we kin dismantle they nuke program! How? With a bigger nuke is how! We kick 'em ole boys asses til breakfuss. Or by God maybe we oughter drop this ho on them. That ole shopwork skanky pussy should be stanky 'nough to scare 'em all off.

Duh faks

2004-09-18T13:49:00.000-05:00

I reckon this Army feller might know more bout whuts happenin in 'Raq than them big talkin heads on the news. But a body'd never know it from the way they jabber.

That's a bookmark?

2004-09-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

Hell fire, this here woman oughter get a good bookmark. I use a 9-foot two by four myself, one been soakin in 40 weight Quaker State since 1947. Damn good bookmark an' it shore comes in handy if'n some fool disturbs my readin.

yahoooo!

2004-09-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

Hot damn, Uncle Bud's got a chance now! This shore will help 'im out since he's near bout ugly as second hand warmed over homemade shit!

Damn a good muslim!

2004-09-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

I didn't thank none of 'em sumbitches existed but here's one. Don't reckon they'll ever convert that Yessir Chickenfat feller, you know the one with the tablecloth wrapped round his head that shakes like that ole Hepburn gal used to. Yessir must be kin to that Moore feller what made that crockumentary cause they both grubby lookin sumbitches!

She sho a ugly ho!

2004-09-16T13:35:00.000-05:00

I reckon them liberal folk don't put much stock in clothes. Damn I hope that Mamma Kerry don't decide to go without her'n cause she sho is a ugly bitch! I can't feature anybody screwin her with a borrowed dick long as they was a nice lookin sheep handy. The Admiral, a good buddy of mine, said he'd run over better lookin for a place to beat his meat.

Fuckem lawyers!

2004-09-16T13:24:00.000-05:00

I see 'at damn lawyer feller what's makin a killin abloggin done found nother reason to jack up Georgie W's shit. That guy oughter stick to teachin 'em coneheads over in Cocksville an' lay off Mr. George. Some them sumbitches would attack they grandpappy with a corn scoop to get a l'il publicity I reckon an' play Mr. Bigshot or maybe Bigshit. Fuckem an' the chicken they rode in on!

If you drop the soap in the shire you may be a gomersexual

2004-09-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

Damn, doncha feel sorry fer this pore l'il feller An' he's a registered nurse too, what round here make a feller walk funny. Betcha when 'at ole boy gets to the pen he be droppin that soap ever day!

My new jammers!

2004-09-16T12:56:00.000-05:00

I took a pair of Dee Cees down to Aunt Minnie and got her to sew some feet on 'em so now I gots me some real jammers. I shore am shittin in high cotton an' next thang you know I'll be awipin my ass on the stalks!

You know, more I thank bout it more I figure lumber musta fell on Dan's head. I say that cause ole man Twerdy Monroe what lives down the lane from me got his head caught tween two big cypress logs when his boom chain parted on him an' he had that same kinda look in his eyes, like somebody done flipped off the light switch in his gourd. But I reckon a body's got the right to be bigga dumb ass as he wanna be, even Dan Rather. He had 'at ole lady on his show last night an' damn if she don't remind me of ole Miss Puterbaugh what lives over in Browntown and sells pussy for what she call a "kawata." Course now I ain't never bought none it but that's what I hear tell.

Electronic Bubba

2004-09-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

Hot damn, I may not be able to do a lot of this bloggin. I hear tell a feller can't do it less'n he's wearin' jammers and I ain't got none uh them damn thangs!

Wonder if a pair of these ol' Dee Cee bibs would do? I know Dan Rather used to wear 'em down on the ranch in Texas so he could scratch his nuts easy through the side vent. I seen him tonight and he looked so uncomfortable he might had a porcupine in his britches. Last time I seen anybody look that damn silly was when Cousin Twillis fell out of the hayloft and snagged his nutsack on a 20-penny nail. Well, that damn sheep looked sort of silly too.

2004-09-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

I got this here kerosene wick lit on my 'puter finally and I'm lookin' to kick some 'lectronic ass! I ain't as smart as Dan Rather 'cause I don't know how to forge anything -- I did try to sign Uncle Ned's name on his Social Security check once but that didn't work out too well and I wound up pulling 11-29 in the county pee farm.

Anyhow, y'all better look out 'cause the Electronic Bubba is loose and ready to kick some big ass! Once I figure out what all these little buttons is I'm gonna be dangerous.